Something to Laugh About

Today we, quite obviously, need something to make us laugh. Here's a portion of Greg Gutfeld's column from NRO: My First Election Day Press Conference (but do read the whole thing):

First, if I may, a brief statement. I am not wearing any. Now, I know that many of you at NRO have questions. Interestingly, I have answers. On the day of these important midterm elections, you’d be naive to think that this is simply a coincidence.
[. . . ]
Q: If you were Joe Lieberman — totally trashed by your party in the primary — what’s the first thing you would say upon winning reelection? What’s the first thing you would do when you got back to work?

A: Switch parties. But if I’m Joe, I just want to be loved, so I wouldn’t become a Republican. I might join the Birthday Party. Everyone would eventually join that party, especially Democrats. They love birthday parties, even if all they get is crap. For example, Mary Jo Kopechne was set to turn 29…. But if she were still alive and celebrating birthdays, she’d be a Democrat. Many abortion victims would be Democrats, because most people grow up voting the way their parents vote. Soon, everyone will stop being Democrats! Left-wing ideologues would rather die than admit they are wrong.

Funny and true.

Q: What’s your Election Day advice for Republicans ­- who are right now anxious, maybe mildly suicidal (politically speaking) … ?

A: Here’s the bright side, for your Tuesday-night spin: It wasn’t the Democrats that won. You just lost! Republicans are losers because after 12 years in power, all they stood for was their own power and complacency. Democrats will pick up seats because they run as better Republicans. The only idea Democrats have is this one: We aren’t Republicans! For now, that’s more than enough! Two, four, six years from now, they might need something a little fresher. Maybe Republicans will come up with something for them.

Some more unsullied sides, in list form:

I always vote for people who do the least amount of damage on the populace — which normally would be a Republican. (I call this my “Run from Godzilla” Theory.) But now I’m inclined to believe it’s a Democrat who will do the least harm. Having no apparent belief system or coherent set of ideas, they can’t possibly do anything. And that’s the kind of government I can get behind.

But what about the fact that we’re facing a legion of homicidal insaniac jihadists who want us dead? Isn’t it dangerous to put equally crazy people in charge? No. My feeling is, their unbalanced nut jobs and our unbalanced nut jobs will cancel each other out. And the rest of us will be there to save this country — probably through bake sales and events that are similar to bake sales but feature mobile catering trailers and butchery equipment.

There will be an intriguing realignment of priorities that will bring us all sorts of divine entertainment. For example, taking stem cells from dead fetuses will be seen as much more important than keeping children who have actually been born safe from another terrorist attack. Stem cells everywhere will applaud their tiny little stem-cell hands. We won’t hear them because we’ll be at bake sales.

I also recommend eating some chocolate. That always helps me. Oh, and having a lovely cup of tea.

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